THIS IS SERIOUS BUSINESS. NO LAUGHING ALLOWED!

Last night my child got over-tired and wouldn’t sleep, perhaps because she went to sleep five minutes early or maybe it was five minutes late, I don’t know. Maybe it is this lunar eclipse that is a full moon in pisces with its “surge of emotional energy” or maybe it is because we tried to put her to sleep on a day ending with a “y”…nobody knows. My child requires precision with her bedtime routine and if you veer off course, hold onto your hats folks. 

Well, you may recall that yesterday I was a tad sleep-deprived. So there it was, 9 pm at night and it is already two hours past my kid’s bedtime and I am  SUPER CRANKY and yelling at my kid to GO TO SLEEP NOW. Because that is always effective. And my child runs to the living room, suddenly naked, because she has decided to strip any and all clothes off of herself of course. So she is lying upside-down naked on the couch and is being RIDICULOUSLY silly. Making jokes and laughing.

And I stood there and I WAS SO MAD THAT SHE WAS BEING FUNNY.

And then I realized how ABSURD I was being. And I started cracking up. And she cracked up. 

It reminds me of when I was little and my mom would do this game where we would be grumpy and she would go, “I feel a tickle coming up your throat…it is tickling your lips, I feel a smile coming!” And goddamnit she would MAKE ME SMILE AND LAUGH. The nerve!

I think this is how we survive as parents. Our kids, thankfully, are cute enough and funny enough to break through our pissy-why-won’t-you-just-sleep attitudes. And we smile. And eventually the moon waxes and wanes and the stars align and finally, at last, the child does fall asleep. (Even if it is three hours past bedtime.)

 

The Tale of the Chocolate in the Night

Let this be a cautionary tale, lest you too find yourself up with a sugar-and-caffiene-fueled-pre-schooler at 1:30 in the morning.

Let’s review the timeline of events.

6:43 pm: A mother and her three-year-old shop at Costco. They happen upon a large jar of Kirkland Brand Dark Chocolate Covered Raisins. The mother says, shhhh don’t tell daddy we are buying these! It is our secret! The child nods in agreement, thrilled to be part of the conspiracy.

7:10 pm: the mother and daughter return home. Child runs inside brandishing the jar of chocolate raisins and tells daddy, “DADDY LOOK WHAT WE BOUGHT!”

7:13 pm: The mother tells the child she can have ten raisins. Can she count out ten raisins? Yes she can. The mother comes to check on the counting. Child is shoving copious amounts of chocolate covered raisins in her mouth. The mother counts out ten and puts the jar away.

7:20 pm: bedtime routine begins in earnest.

7:36 pm: mother hands off child to father.

8:40 pm: father hands off child to mother.

9:25 pm: Child runs laps around house. Mother yells at child.

9:33 pm: Father goes to bed.

9:34 pm: Child briefly nods off to sleep. Mother’s hope is restored.

9:42 pm: Child declares, “I HAVE ALL THE ENERGY!” Mother agrees.

10:13 pm: Child leaves to go potty and returns to bed declaring “I flushed my sock down the potty!” Mother doesn’t believe child.

10:14 pm: Mother gets up to inspect. Toilet: not overflowing. Sock: missing.

10:15 pm: Mother to child: “Did you really flush the sock down the toilet??”

Child: “Yes, I did!”

Mother: “WHY??”

Child: “I did it for the funny!”

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The offender. Copyright Costco.

10:16pm: Mother to herself: SH&!*!!!  IT WAS THE GODDAMN DARK CHOCOLATE. 

10:34 pm: Mother briefly panics: were they chocolate covered espresso beans?

10:47pm: Mother declares defeat. Brings kid to living room to watch Martha Speaks.

10:48 pm: Mother checks jar of chocolates: no espresso beans, definitely raisins.

11:47 pm: Child seems sleepy from staring at tv. Returns to bed.

11:52 pm: Child is literally dancing in her bed. Child just cannot freakin’ settle

11:53 pm: Mother realizes bedtime routine must begin all over again. Starts reading Suess.

12:25 pm: Progress. Child is settling. Keeps jerking awake and saying “I HAVE SO MUCH ENERGY!”

1:23 pm: Child is asleep. Mother eats contraband snacks in the dark and then goes to bed.


Has this happened to you? Share your horror stories below or on Facebook.