If I look to the outside–the male way–and I see people dishonoring me, this can be mirror to my interior.*
If the people dishonoring me are men, it’s easy to point the finger at misogyny. But where is that inside myself?
Where do I belittle the still knowing voice inside me that speaks for the highest good of everyone? Where do I ignore her, speak over her, or try to control her? Certainly I see this behavior in the outside world all the time – but where am I doing it inside myself? (This looking inside me, this is the feminine way.)
Honor is a revelation. Once I honor this voice, and embody her truth, everything changes outside me too.
*My teacher also taught me about the concept of reflection and refraction. Sometimes the outer is pointing to your own inner stuff–but sometimes it’s not. You know, not your circus, not your monkeys.
If you’ve ever doubted the ability for a person to heal themselves, I invite you to look at this blog as exhibit A, B, and C (and D, and E…there aren’t enough letters!) for a person’s ability to transmute their pain. When I started this blog I didn’t know that was the purpose but in hindsight that’s exactly what I was I was doing. Healing myself by shining light into all the dark bits. Over and over again, leaving no rock unturned! I didn’t know the term entrega when I started writing, but that was precisely the power I was calling upon in myself when I decided to start writing–the surrender of ego and willingness to listen to the deep, dark silence and hear the true voice of myself whispering, “write…just five minutes a day. Start there.”
Write I did! I did so much transmuting. Looking back, it’s astonishing as many of you came along for the ride as you did. It’s not what you would call a pretty process now is it?! Writing about miscarriage, loss, trauma, and other heavy stuff. And yet you joined along and many of you passed along pivotal messages and support that helped me through some very dark nights.
This past week brought me full circle, or maybe spiral is a better term, because I have definitely moved up that spiral of life, revisiting it all with new perspectives and understandings. Hopefully learning the lesson each time so I don’t have to repeat them! I’ve jokingly said I’ve died a thousand deaths in the span of seven years but it’s damn near true.
In 2014 I believed the voice I heard on that day pleading with the universe at the stinky beach was something outside of myself. Yesterday, January 29th 2021, I meditated and heard her voice again, and wouldn’t you know she implored me to once again to write for five minutes a day.
I’ve learned it’s definitely wise to heed her voice–and her voice is actually my true voice, I now know–and for me to ignore it would be a huge dishonoring to her, myself, and to you! Which are really one. So, I’m back baby. Five minutes a day. The world is a very different place. My own personal hellish year was 2016-2017, when everyone was flying high and 2020 was just a random vague year in the future. This past year has brought its challenges no doubt, but I weathered them fantastically well considering it all. And yet I stayed silent, not sharing what I’ve learned. It’s time to change that!
I’m back here again, only this time not to transmute but to plant seeds. Some may bloom, others may not. It’s up to the wind to carry them wherever they are meant to go and that’s out of my hands. But I know one of my purposes in life is to spread the seeds of teachings I’ve been given, and this is my tiny start. I hope you enjoy the journey. May it be full of joy and curiosity, love and raw honesty. Blessings and I’ll see you here tomorrow, my butt in the seat for five minutes once again. 😉
Creator, thank you for making me a woman! A woman who can birth worlds! Realities! Children! Hopes, dreams, possibilities A woman who can heal herself, transmute emotions, stare into darkness and find the diamonds hidden within. The woman who can die and be reborn, over and over again The woman who can rebuild the worldContinue reading “Thank you for making me a woman”
Earlier this week I was part of a video chat with my spiritual sisterhood to talk about what it means to face the dark feminine energy and do shadow work. You can watch our video here! What is the dark feminine? She’s the shadow side of our authentic being which is a body of light,Continue reading “Doing the shadow work and facing the dark feminine”
There was a point not that long ago where I didn’t trust myself. It’s strange to remember this struggle because it no longer dominates my thinking. This isn’t to say I don’t get scared or feel vulnerable — I do, and paradoxically it was precisely when the ego was in charge that I felt thatContinue reading “Believing in you”
If a strong, intense emotional landmark arises, see it as a launching pad to take you higher.
Welcome the movement after years, decades, lifetimes of stagnation.
This can be hard when it relates to trauma. Our instinct is to shy away from the overwhelming sensations associated with pain. Our mind wants to convince us that we must stop feeling it at all costs or we will never stop feeling it. Not true.
Instead think of it as a balloon that is popped. The initial sound might startle or frighten but the release is immediate and swift. Poof, gone! Drive the intensity in your favor. Instead of letting it take you in loops round and round (the same old story) let it be a momentum to take you up and out of the old stale story. “That was what my body held, but it is no more, especially after this very intense release!”
Time doesn’t heal—love does! Meet yourself with love and a willingness to see it from a higher perspective. That makes so much difference!
Earlier this week I had a rough couple of days where I found myself navigating a ton of dense energy. After I emerged to the other side I started thinking about what it taught me. I was surprised to find all this stuff pour out of me, a list really of the ways I’ve learned to manage energy in hard times. I thought, I’ve got to share this!
So here it is, the first part of most likely a longer list of…
Things to remember when you are passing through hard times:
Nothing is permanent, not even this moment of crappiness! Ride the wave.
Is this even my energy that I’m feeing? Am I feeling a loved one who might be in pain? Is this collective energy? Is this ancestral? Step back and assess. Sometimes knowing that makes a big difference.
Am I under attack?
Is it heyoka energy? (The trickster!) Don’t buy it– this energy is here to test me and poke at me! I don’t have to take the bait!
I AM not this…return to the center, the source, the larger heart!
Observe the emotion but don’t identify with it!
Is something rising up to be released? Observe and release it! Don’t judge the experience.
Can I see it from another perspective?
What’s the medicine? What is this experience teaching me…can I uncover the lesson? What gifts are coming about because of this experience?
Have I asked for divine assistance? I have free will. I must ask for guidance, protection, help, etc…
I’m never alone! Feel into the love of the mother/source/God/the divine I AM presence.
I thought I’d introduce myself to readers new and old. Lots has changed since I started this blog!
We’re all in this space of rebirth, even the planet herself as she rages with fires of purification and waters of renewal. Personally, I’m being called to bring more of my self outward after a long (very long) inward journey. It’s a little scary stepping out!! But I know can’t keep the wisdom or the lessons to the myself because they aren’t mine to begin with. They’re meant to be shared with you dear reader!
When I started this blog my world felt topsy turvy and rightly so because many MANY things in my little world came crashing down. All of them for good reason, though I didn’t know it at the time! I came to understand that the old ways just wouldn’t work anymore. Something was calling me home to myself and the whole situation was at times ridiculously confusing to me. Everything I had attachments to–wanting to have another child,wanting to start a proper career in the law–crumbled like dust. I look back at that confused, exhausted and tapped out woman and I hardly recognizer her as me. That was seven years ago but might has well have been many lifetimes ago!
Recently after working with some clients who are really struggling, I was thinking about how so many in the world are at their root needing hope. I thought, wow if only people knew that it will be ok, they will be ok! And then with the subtly of a cartoon piano falling from the sky, I heard source cackling at me going, GEE IF ONLY SOMEONE COULD SHARE THEIR PERSONAL EXPERIENCE OF LIVING THROUGH DESPAIR AND COMING OUT BETTER THAN EVER AT THE END. Ohhhhh. So that’s what you want me to do! (Face palm. Lol)
Our world en masse is facing so much and reckoning with so much. But there is nothing to fear. There is a grander plan that is pushing you to a place that will bring you home to yourself, urging you or in some cases bonking you over the head with the message! So many are living through nothing short of terror, with fires raging outside their door, pandemics lurking outside the masks, protests roaring in the streets. Breathe deep. This is the definition of an initiation and is painful and hard. Frankly it sucks. It is meant to wake you from your slumber. I’s awakening medicine in yourself you didn’t know you had, gifts that were dormant. Lives longing to be lived.
We aren’t of this world of pain and suffering and joy is our birthright. Hard to see when the world is burning but keep in mind the old must fall before the new rises. Whatever you are going through, know I send you love and blessings that you path through it all with as much ease and grace possible.
Think about a time in your life where you had a leap of consciousness. What were the circumstances that brought you to a new understanding of yourself? When I think about my own life, the times of greatest and most significant leaping occurred during times of enormous friction.
There was the dark night of my soul in my early twenties when all the trauma that had been suppressed made its way into my consciousness — painful but a huge leap into new awareness that led to healing and newfound growth.
There was that moment of choice I made where in a place of deep pain I realized I no longer needed to suffer, and in deep surrender to the divine, I experienced a profound spiritual awakening.
Emotion can provide a fuel, and circumstances can give great friction, but it is up to use to determine what we do with it. Do we attach to emotion and the story we tell ourselves about it (that we deserve nice things, we aren’t worthy of love, insert-crappy-ideas here), remaining stuck? Or do we choose to learn the lesson and say “no more of this nonsense!” and go UP?!
I share this as someone who at points in my life was…how shall I say this…very much the long suffering sun-in-Pisces, moon-in-cancer-martyr who dramatically chose to carry the pain and suffering of all humanity on her back. I can laugh about it now but there was absolutely nothing funny about to me at that time, thank you very much! I was wearing my serious face doing my serious spiritual work rooted in painful melancholy! And much agonized poetry writing!
That being said…let me be clear : I don’t think the only way to grow as a soul is through pain and suffering. Rather, I believe that difficult situations can be a great AWAKENER to show us to true nature of our reality and existence: that we are love, that the universe is one of love, and that really our soul is hoping we get the lessons once and for all so we don’t have to repeat them.
Which reminds me of this quote my sister sent me when I was wallowing years ago in the pain and suffering of grief…bless her for poking at me and urging me to shake out of it!!
Yep, ain’t that the truth. Well, the good news is that 2020 is bringing us all sorts of delightful ways to awaken!! HA. You ready to use the friction as fuel to take you higher? Roll up those sleeves folks, you can do it!
“There are those who say the world is ending. But you know that is a new world is just beginning!”
That came through in meditation a few days ago. A reminder during the times of darkness, chaos and confusion that while it is the end of many things, something new and beautiful WILL be built in its place! We are entering a new era, and like any new beginning it has to include a death. Shedding the old ain’t pretty but we can do this!
This week has been intense for me, lots of bizarre energy and unexpected emotional releases. Whoa nelly, breathe in, breathe out!! I”m trying to stay rooted to the earth as much as I can, which for me lately has included not overdoing the coffee-intake (my greatest vice! oh mama loves her coffee), hydrating like crazy, practicing abhyanga (Ayurvedic oil massage, part of my nightly routine before bed), trying to eat healthier-ish (more salmon, less pizza), and generally trying to find balance when I observe myself getting out of whack. The other night I noticed I was feeling super intense and VERY VERY SERIOUS, which as you know is cured by some dancing and tik tok watching. (Don’t shame the tik tok game! If there was ever a time we needed puddin’ and dozer it would be now.)
How are you staying rooted during the wild 2020?! Lots of love to everyone. Hang in there!
What if freedom isn’t freedom from something (pain, suffering, third dimensional stuff) and instead is the embodiment of your true self, the love that you are? What would that look and feel like?
I’ve been thinking, where am I stopping myself from being free? Where do I cutoff flow, where do I give away my power, where do I shy away from the call of my heart, from the embracing of who I truly am, which is love?
Freedom is available every moment, every second, if we choose it!
How are you doing? If you feel anything like I do today then you might be feeling the pressure that 2020 keeps laying on thick! We get it, 2020, you are shaking us awake and won’t go away until we FULLY embody the lessons that this year has to offer. PHEW. Breathe in, breathe out!
I was listening to a video the other day and the person shared the story of an initiate who said to her teacher: “Ok teacher, I’m ready to be done suffering.” That’s how I personally feel! Are you ready to be done suffering? Joy is our birthright! But it won’t be given to us. Neither will freedom. It must be claimed!
I used to view freedom as almost like a bubble of nothing bad every happening but my view has shifted. I’m working on freedom being that I can hold that space in myself that is pure love no matter WHAT surfaces or appears around me! I’ve been working a lot with a teaching that my teacher Magdala Ramirez brought forth (she talks about it on her website and talks about it a little bit in her podcast this week, too.). It’s the idea that we have two hearts — once connected to source, an endless cup pouring love!!–and another smaller heart that is connected to all the pain and suffering we’ve experienced in this lifetime and others. When we hook into that little heart we get stuck. It cuts us off from our own divine nature. However when we tap into that large heart, well, everything changes. The wisdom of the multiverse becomes available to us and we can heal ourselves.
Yesterday I was reading something about the astrology of this coming year (ahem, pretty intense) and all of suddenly felt a whoosh of panic. A tightness in my chest. I was able to observe it and not become it or become swept up in it. I spoke to this part of myself that reared its head: I love you, you are ok, I got this. That was the big heart pouring love into the little heart.
Right now we are being challenged to step into the big heart that we all have. It’s hard. The more potent the emotional trigger the harder it can be to “unlock” from whatever pops up. But we also have so much assistance available to help us through it. For me, I’m taking it moment by moment, tapping into the love I AM, and finding freedom even in the midst of all this commotion.